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Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality

1. Jealousy:
   At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question you about who you talk to, accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may give you a hard time for being involved in activities or work for fear that you will meet someone else. He may even ask friends to watch you.
2. Controlling Behaviors:
   At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he is concerned for your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. He will be angry if you are "late" to meet him after a trip to the store or an appointment. If you cannot see him when he wants, he may question you closely about who you will be with or your plans. As this behavior gets worse, he may try to interfere with your right to make personal decisions about work, school, clothing or going to church. He may act like he wants to own you.
3. Quick Involvement:
   Many women dated or knew the man who abused them for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on like a whirl-wind – "you're the only person I could ever talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him.
4. Unrealistic Expectations:
   He will be very dependent on you for all of his needs; he expects you to be the perfect girlfriend, mother, lover, friend. He will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need-you're all I need." You are supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and meet all of his needs.
5. Isolation:
   The abuser will try to cut you off from all resources. If you have male friends, you are a slut. If you have girlfriends, you are accused, disparagingly, of being a lesbian. If you are close to family, your are "tied to the apron strings." He accuses people who are part of your support system of "causing trouble." He may try to keep you from working or being involved in social, church, family, school or other activities that do not revolve around him.
6. Blames Others for His Problems:
   If he does poorly in school or is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong or is out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on doing his job. He will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames Others for his feelings:
   He will say "You make me mad," "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask," "I can't help being angry." He really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use feelings to manipulate you. Harder to catch are his claims that "You make me happy," "You control how I feel."
8. Hypersensitivity:
   The abuser is easily insulted; he claims his feelings are "hurt" when he is really very mad, or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to him-things that are really just part of living-like getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying or being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to Animals or Children:
   This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting his/her diaper) or he may tease children or young brothers or sisters until the cry (60 percent of men who beat the women the are with also beat their children).
10. Playful Use of Force During Sex:
    The man may like to throw you down and hold you during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where you are helpless. He is letting you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He may show little concern about whether you want to have sex and sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance. He may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired.
11. Verbal Abuse:
    In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, he may curse you or put down any of your accomplishments. The m an will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without him He may disrupt your sleep to verbally abuse you or he may not let you sleep. He rarely calls you by your own name, preferring instead to use such terms as bitch, whore, slut, fatso or stupid to address you.
12. Rigid Sex Roles:
    The abuser expects you to serve him. He may say you must meet his needs, that you must obey him in all things-even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, more stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde:
    Many women are confused by the abuser's "sudden" changes in mood-they will describe that one minute he is nice and the next minute he explodes as though he has some special "mental problem" or like he is "crazy." Mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and they are just another way to take control and manipulate a person. These behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
14. Past Battering:
    The man may say he has hit girlfriends in the past, but they made him do it. You may hear from the relatives that the man is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with: situational circumstances do not make an abusive personality.
15. Threats of Violence:
    This would include any threat of physical force meant to control you. He may say things such as: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you,"or "I'll break your neck." Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying, " Everybody talks like that."
16. Breaking or Striking Objects:
    This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near you. Only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them. He may say,"See, I hit the rear view mirror, not you, I don't want to hurt you." Don't be fooled – it is an implied threat.
17. Any Force During an Argument:
    This may involve him holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, as well as pushing or shoving you. Example: The man may hold you against a wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."

 

 

 

What is domestic abuse?

Forms of domestic abuse

Characteristics of an abusive personality

Domestic abuse and children